Drapple
by Lushia
Summary: Here is my (semi-sarcastic) attempt at a "Drapple" fan It's probably the most bizarre thing I have ever written, so if you can't handle human/fruit makeout scenes, then now is the time to run screaming the other Here is the version I have on Wattpad, where it was originally published: /story/1253821-drapple


"How long will you be gone?" Draco asked wistfully. His pale bangs hung into his sallow eyes as his lower lip quivered.

"Not long," the apple gently replied. "Draco, it's just a photo shoot."

"I know," Draco pouted. "But what will I do when you're not here?"

"Draco," sighed the apple from where it sat snugly in Draco's palm. "You're twenty-three years old. You've lived in the basement of Malfoy Manor for five years now, doing nothing but sleeping, binge-eating chocolate frogs, and watching other people's troll videos on the internet. It's time you set out and got a life."

"You _are_ my life," breathed Draco. "Please don't leave me."

"I _have_ to," replied the apple simply. "Cedric Diggory is an old friend of mine. He dropped out of Hogwarts to pursue his dreams, and now I have to help him. He asked me to be in a photo shoot for his new modeling job, and I believe the photo studio will be using our modeling expertise for the cover of a cheesy new teen romance novel."

In a sudden burst of passion, Draco brought the apple to his lips and kissed it, hard. Both of his hands were supporting the apple, crushing it to his chapped lips; Draco wildly let his tongue explore the smooth surface of its hard green peel, as he had done so many times before. He ran one hand over the apple, cupping the other one around the perfect sphere of the fruit. His fingers brushed against the stem, his touch light and butterfly-like. They collapsed back onto Draco's unmade bed, never breaking the kiss.

After several long moments of bliss, they broke apart. Draco was breathing in pants, his dull platinum hair stuck to his forehead with sweat.

"I'm sorry," whispered the apple. "I love you, but I have to do this."

It gently rolled itself out of Draco's rigid clutches and paused at the door. "I'll be back in two weeks," it whispered, before rolling down the hallway, leaving Draco alone in his bed, still tangled in the bedsheets.

Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor in Diagon Alley was brightly lit, but Cedric Diggory's presence was what _really_ illuminated the whole shop. He smiled at the apple as soon as he saw it roll into the parlor, revealing a strip of magically whitened teeth framed by soft, full lips slathered in sparkly lip gloss.

"I've missed you," he murmured, picking up the apple as soon as it got close enough, and kissing it lightly, leaving a smeary glob of "Stuff by Hillary Duff!" lip shimmer on the side of the fruit.

"I've missed you too, Cedric," replied the apple. Cedric winked and gestured to the menu. His nails were painted a pearly sheen of pink, with stick-on gems haphazardly glued on top.

"Want anything from the menu?" he asked.

"I'm fine, thank you," the apple answered politely. Cedric shrugged and resumed eating his low-fat yogurt parfait.

"So how have you been?" the apple asked, awkwardly attempting to start a conversation.

"Brilliant!" Cedric replied enthusiastically through a mouthful of yogurt and strawberries. He swallowed and shoveled another spoonful in his mouth, patting his lips daintily with a napkin.

"I've got a stage name now, did you hear? Robert Pattinson. Pretty smexy name, eh?" he asked, beaming at the apple. "Anyway, I went to America, and they're paying me billions of dollars to just stand there and look pretty in some hot new vampire movie."

"That's great!"

"Anyway, while I was in America, I wanted to make a music video. I just like the idea of being a hot male singer that girls lust over, you know? Actually, my bestie, Justin Bieber, inspired me to get into the music industry in America. His producers were full of clients at the moment, so he recommended this great company called Ark Music Factory! So I'm scheduled to film a video with them during the summer, because, well," he winked, "ripping your shirt off on location outdoors in front of the camera during the _winter_ isn't quite as fun."

"Wow," the apple remarked. "You must be pretty busy."

"OMG! That reminds me!" yelped Cedric loudly, checking his pink baby G-shock watch. Our photo shoot is in five minutes!" Ignoring the stares of the customers around him, he jumped up suddenly, overturning his chair. Taking his wand out, which he had embellished with glittery ribbons and plastic stars, he grabbed the apple and apparated on the spot.

"Hello, dear," said Narcissa Malfoy, peeking her head into her son's room. "How are you doing?"

"Marvelous," grunted Draco into his pillow. He was still half-asleep, even though it was almost dinner time. Five minutes ago, he had just woken up from a very explicit dream involving him, the bed, and the apple. He missed the apple so terribly that it was worse than the Cruciatus curse.

"All right, Draco. As long as you're happy," said his mother gently. She turned, about to close the door, but stopped. "Oh, how's your apple doing?"

"It left me," muttered Draco, his eyes filling with tears, longing for the comfort of his favorite fruit in his palms.

"But… you've been dating since your sixth year!" his mother protested. "Remember? When dear old Auntie Bellatrix gave you that vanishing cabinet and you _chose_ the apple to test it with? And you two ended up falling in love. It was the sweetest thing," she sighed, reminiscing on the days she would find Draco snuggling comfortably on the leather couch, apple in hand, with a blissful expression on his face.

"It hasn't left me _officially,_" sulked Draco indignantly. "It _promised_ me it would come back after two weeks of hanging out in Cedric Diggory's limo and numerous talent agency buildings in America."

"Don't count your owls before they're delivered," replied his mother gently. "It's a tempting life. Your apple may not come back."

"RUBBISH!" bellowed Draco, throwing the nearest object he could find, his Nintendo game controller, in the general direction of his mother. He missed by five feet, leaving a big dent in the padding on his walls.

"It _loves_ me! It _promised_ me it would love me forever! We have a commitment, and we're in love! _Nothing _can stop us! NOTHING!" he screamed. Narcissa backed away looking rather frightened.

"I'll just leave you alone, Draco," she said quickly, slamming the door in a haste to get out of the padded room. Draco could hear her hurried footsteps out in the hall after the sound of the door slamming stopped echoing, clicking frantically away from his bedroom.

"But we need the apple to be _red_," the muggle photographer said indignantly. "The color red symbolizes sex, lust, and passion, and therefore, will attract more pre-teens to read this book."

"Also, Rob, your arms need more sparkle dust," the makeup artist called, rushing over with a bottle of glitter and a huge brush. As she brushed Cedric's arms with liberal amounts of sparkles, Cedric kept arguing with the photographer.

"Look, this apple is my _best_ _friend_!" Cedric insisted, glowering through his fake eyelashes. "Either this apple gets to be in the photo shoot with me, or I'm not doing this!" He pouted and crossed his arms, causing his makeup artist to jump up from her chair at once.

"R-Pattz! Your sparkle dust!" cried his makeup artist frantically, rushing over with the brush again. "This sparkle dust is _expensive_, all right?" she warned him. "You can't waste it until we make zillions of dollars off this franchise!"

"Don't count your owls before they're delivered," Cedric replied simply.

"Ew, I hate birds," the makeup artist shot back before locking his arms in a death grip so she could apply more glitter to the insides of his wrists.

The photographer sighed. "Anyone got a red sharpie I could borrow?" he yelled.

"Yep!" chirped the makeup artist, throwing down and breaking the bottle of sparkle dust in her hurry to get over to the photographer. Pausing right in front of him, she reached down the front of her low-cut shirt, revealing the many markers that were clipped to her bra. She pulled out a red one, and winked as she placed it meaningfully on his palm.

"Give it to me," commanded the photographer, beckoning to the apple. Hesitantly, Cedric let go of it and placed it on the photographer's other palm.

The photographer's palm was sweaty, and as he uncapped the sharpie, the apple could smell the toxic scent of permanence in the air. The photographer lowered the marker and started to scribble ruthlessly on the apple's smooth green peel.

The only thing Draco had been paying attention to besides the fact that his hair needed washing was the makeshift calendar he had created above his bed. He had used a sharpie to mark each day the apple had been gone, and finally, fourteen wobbly tally marks had been drawn on the wall. Today was the day.

Draco was so excited he could barely wait. He tidied up his room a little, which only meant throwing out everything that was rotten or moldy, leaving all his dirty clothes on the floor. Debating whether his sheets were nasty enough to wash, he climbed back into bed, anticipating. Any moment now, the fruity love of his life would come rolling back in through the door, and they could spend the rest of their lives together, forever.

"That color looks good on you," Cedric remarked quietly as they woke up in the master bedroom of his mansion. Today was the day the apple had to return to Draco, and it was still dyed scarlet from the photo session.

"Thanks," the apple replied sadly. Cedric noticed the strained melancholy in the apple's voice.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his penciled-in eyebrows coming together in confusion. The apple sighed.

"It's just that…" it trailed off, not quite knowing how to continue. "These last two weeks with you have been the best weeks of my life. And… I'm not sure if I want to go back to Draco now," it said miserably. Cedric was quiet for a moment.

"I…" he stammered. "I think I may have fallen in love with you too."

Very slowly, Cedric lowered his glossy, sparkling lips to the apple and kissed it softly.

It was past midnight, and Draco was still waiting. His apple would come back, he _knew_ it would. To distract himself, he walked over to his muggle laptop and opened up Internet Explorer.

He went to his favorite site, Google, and typed in "Draco Malfoy." The very first result was an image of him entwined with Harry Potter. Draco cocked his head, confused. He didn't remember _ever_ doing anything like that with Harry; he had always stayed faithful to his apple. Perhaps he had been drunk that night.

Eventually, he clicked on YouTube, and started to search for troll videos, which were his favorite type of videos. He typed in a "t" in the search box, and watched as suggestions started to pop up under the text.

One of the suggestions caught his eye: "the annoying orange." Curious, Draco clicked on it, and scrolled down the results. The thumbnails were all of a quite attractive-looking orange making seductive faces at the camera. He put in his cheap iPod earbuds and clicked "play."

Ten hours later, after watching every single one of the Annoying Orange's videos, Draco knew he was in love.

"You should send him a letter," suggested Cedric, "to let him know you're not coming back."

"I can't write," the apple reminded him sardonically.

"Fine, then. I'll write, and you tell me what to write," reasoned Cedric, pulling out a sheet of flowery stationery and a glitter pen topped with a ball of pink fluff.

"Dear Draco…" began the apple, and Cedric started to write in his loopy, curly, calligraphy.

"You know, Draco," said the Annoying Orange. They had arranged to meet after Draco had sent it a long, extensively detailed fan letter. "You're all right!"

"Yeah," said Draco, his eyes still starstruck. "So are you."

"Can we try something?" the Annoying Orange asked suddenly, but was interrupted by Narcissa Malfoy suddenly opening the door.

"Oh," she said abruptly upon seeing Draco lying in bed, holding the Annoying Orange in his palm. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"It's fine, Mum," replied Draco amicably.

"Well, an owl came for you," said his mother, handing him a pink flowery envelope that smelled strongly of perfume. She edged out of the room, giving him some privacy.

Draco opened the letter, read it through, and laughed.

"Who's that letter from?" whined the Annoying Orange jealously. "One of your fruity admirers?"

"One of my fruity EX-admirers," Draco corrected him. "As of right now, _you_ are my only fruity admirer." He crumpled the flowered stationery and lobbed it at the dumpster that sat in the corner of his room.

"Draco, I love you," the Annoying Orange blurted suddenly.

"Oh, I already knew that," teased Draco, and pulled the orange closer. It fit perfectly into his palm, and for the first time in his life, Draco felt completely whole.


End file.
